Why Sex Talk On a First Date Is a Bad Idea
Geplaatst op 14-02-2025
Categorie: Lifestyle
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Question: I recently became interested in low key BDSM. I stopped by the sex toy store down the street for me and purchased spreader bars, Ben wa balls, a bed restraint, and a flogger. In the past I’ve been 100% vanilla about sex, but I started to feel bored with it. Over the past few weeks I’ve gone out on dates with multiple men. We got on the topic of sex, and I told them about my new hobby. They did not have much to say about that, and they later ended up ghosting. There is also this other guy who I’ve been having casual sex with on and off for years, and I told him about it. He ended up cancelling our night we had planned and I haven’t heard back from him. I am wondering if maybe I should date someone for a while before letting them know about this?
Answer: I’ll start off by saying this letter feels…off to me. But since it raises an interesting discussion point, I’ll ignore my instincts.
I stopped by the sex toy store down the street for me and purchased spreader bars, Ben wa balls, a bed restraint, and a flogger.
Why are you telling me this? Like, how is it relevant to the discussion? If I’m wondering that, it’s safe to assume your dates are having similar thoughts. This information feels out of place, like you’re shoehorning it into the conversation because you think it sounds cool or sexy.
It doesn’t. It makes you sound like you’re trying too hard to impress people with your “low key BDSM” interests. It’s not the interest in kink itself that is problematic. It’s the way you introduce it into conversation that is working against you. Here’s the thing, and I am speaking from experience here: men and women who talk in such detail about sex with strangers are doing so for one of two reasons: they’re either desperate or using sex to get attention because they have to. I loooved telling guys I used to teach blow-job classes. Know why? Because I thought it made me sound sexy. In actuality, my approach reeked of desperation and I ended up making myself vulnerable to men that I should have been avoiding.
The main reason I get so turned off by men who make sexual references in initial email exchanges is because it makes me think they’re desperate to get laid. I don’t want a guy who is desperate to get laid. I want a guy who knows he can get laid whenever he likes and is choosing to get laid by me. Play the game, dude. It’s not a coincidence that male and female writers who pen self-indulgent essays about how kinky and DTF they are or about how they got laid the night before fall into one of two categories: intensely average looking or hot but a bottomless pit of need. Confident and secure people don’t have to put that stuff on blast. It’s why most dating bloggers of the personal essay variety are or were perpetually single.
Like the woman from last week’s letter, it’s possible you’re connecting dots that aren’t there. Ghosting and not getting a second date is de rigueur now. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re turning these guys off, though talk of ben wa balls on a first date doesn’t help. As loathe as I am to admit it, you can’t bust out the really kinky shit until you know someone, unless you’re just looking for sex. In a casual situation, who cares what they think? But when it comes to dating, you need to feel someone out first and find out just how open-minded they are. Sadly, there are still a lot of men who will sleep with a woman who enjoys a good facial but would never date her. Because, like, she takes a load to the face so that means she’s slutty. Of course, they’re usually the same men who turn around and whine that their wives are too uptight in bed and that’s why they cheated, but I digress.
If men are running for the hills when you break out your flogger talk, it’s very possible they fear you’re more experienced than they are and they won’t measure up. I would refrain from going into detail about your sexual proclivities until you have a better idea of their views and attitudes towards women and sex. Even the most feminist of men might be turned off by a woman who lists all the kinky shit she does in bed on a first date. Plenty of men will pretend to find your liberal sexuality attractive, bed you, then toss you aside for your liberal sexuality. Not to mention, talk of sex so early in the game gives the impression you’re just looking for sex and nothing more. I guarantee you that’s how you’re being perceived by many if not most of the men with whom you engage in all this naughty banter.
If you feel you have to use your sexuality to keep a guy interested, that means he wasn’t interested in the first place.